Gautama Buddha, one of the world’s many Christed beings,
taught that life is suffering. This
begs the question, why? Buddha’s answer was simple: We suffer because of desire. Like
anything else in the world of Samsara (the sea of desire or suffering), the
root of suffering for those with social anxiety is also desire.
What is it that those suffering from social anxiety desire?
A few months ago, I had a random Ahh-Ha moment that made me realize that I desperately
desired the approval of others. In fact,
I was one of those people that I actually don’t like, who walks around with her
hand out begging others for their approval.
During my constant hunt for approval, I was terrified that I would be denied
that approval or rejected for needing it. The funny thing was that even though I
had the approval of multiple people in my life, I was even anxious around those
that I knew approved of me. My Ahh-ha
reminded me of Jake in Guy Ritchie’s movie Revolver when he came to the
realization that we are all “approval junkies.”
Approval was my drug of choice.
Like any junkie, I was afraid of not getting my next fix.
And it didn’t matter from whom. I was
even looking for approval from people that I did not even like or who were not
even important in my life. The Catch 22 was that once I got the approval of
people who mattered, I immediately became afraid of making some epic mistake
that would cause me to lose the approval I had already gained. I played an unconscious game of needing and seeking
the approval of every single person I
met, man, woman and child.
It took a lot of education, therapy and introspection to own
the fact that my dignity was being sacrificed at the feet of my ego each time I
inwardly begged: “Please like me. Please think I’m special. Please love me, love me, love me.”
Osho, in his book Love,
Freedom, and Aloneness, says, “ It is self-hatred that is creating anxiety.” He was asked how do we know if someone loves
us or is just playing games. He answered that it is impossible to tell if
someone’s love is real; the only love we can be certain of is our own. Osho made me realize that love involves being
courageous enough to risk losing another’s love or incurring their disapproval.
I also learned that those individuals who love themselves are
completely self-sufficient and do not need to beg for anyone’s love. In fact, quiet desperation, for an emotionally
and spiritually self-sufficient person does not exist. Moreover, a self-sufficient person does not worry
about the “reality” of another’s love because he or she don’t need it to feel worthy; this type of person already recognizes his or
her own worth.
Instead of holding out
a begging bowl, constantly asking for love, a self-sufficient person is always giving what he/she needs
because it is in giving that one receives. More importantly, such individuals give love
and approval with no strings attached and without expecting love or approval in
return. They are their own self recharging
battery with an infinite supply of unconditional love for themselves and those
around them.
